Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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