I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
