I just made out with a guy for $7.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
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Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
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Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize