The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
