so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
