I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
