i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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