Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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