Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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