I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
