I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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