I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
