im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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