I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
