i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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