I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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