hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
