Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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