I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
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Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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