if i can run in heels then i can drive
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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