He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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