i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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