it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
