Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
