Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
