Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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