She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
