i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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