You're completely useless in the revolution.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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