Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
