My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
