I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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