What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
