Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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