I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
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Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
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What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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