The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
