I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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