you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
