I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
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I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
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You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs