i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.