My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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