I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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