batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
