This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
