she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
