so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
