i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
