Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
