I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
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I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
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The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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