I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
