Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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