Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
