Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
