I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He felt like a one man threesome
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
