We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
