remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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