It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
