coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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