Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
